Tough Decisions Made (02.06.17)

It's a bit crazy, but I'm single without anyone to play with. By choice, of course, because of the difficult times ahead of me. No guy is good enough to be kept around for such a journey...

Moving Home after a rather intense two years. With the closing down of RainBridge's side faction, other projects are still alive though I'm super spent and tired. I need a break and I want to rest a bit before starting up anything else. So, the move home and the change of the faster for the slower pace in life is necessary to effectively change things for me. Not to mention, the costs of starting and ending a production company, being love-scammed, and trying to survive Grad School on my income? ... I'll admit to getting suicidal ONCE but, that's another reason I'll be making the move. Much of my emotional support system is back home... my family, my sister, my older friends, and moving back to a world that is where the SanB, OC, and LA Counties meet... You know how it is.

Being Single is something I have a lot of experience with. I mean, I was single for 30 years before I got my first kiss. The jerk also happened to perform unfavorable acts on me, which led to a sudden life of promiscuity on my behalf, but after much therapy and talking, I've managed to wean that part of my life off. This move restricts me even more, thus helping the casual end and the dating and serious relationships begin. I can only hope and pray that this keeps up. I'm for the taking! I aim for relationships that will lead to marriage. I'm not good at the casual despite being offered time and time again. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not ready to give a testimony about it, but I am ready to get my life right!

Choosing God has never been an easy thing for me. I was raised a Christian and, before I knew it, it was the only life I knew. I didn't know how to be anything else and that worried me. So, when I moved out for college, it didn't matter much because of the strong presence of Christian friends in my college. And after college, moving home was suffocating. Moving back out to NoHo was a blessing and I loved it more than all else! I wanted nothing more than to stay out there, which was what happened when I got a job. Before all my financial endeavors, I had a rather strong relationship with God and then, suddenly, He was just a voice in the wind that I no longer let blow me around. I was walking on water and then, I fell through and as I began to drown, His hand caught mine as he pulled me back to the surface. I've not yet stood up on the water again, but He still holds my hand as I tread water...

Starting Over used to be an impossible thought for me. I mean, I'd drifted, fallen, cried, stumbled, and accepted another path for myself. Now, I can start in another field that expands my range, and gives my creativity a boost. I wonder if everyone goes through this epiphany? And if so, earlier than me? I actually stressed myself out to the point of getting sick before realizing all this. And though I leave behind several who I've enjoyed temporary happiness with, I'm still hoping for my forever happiness man. 

So... These are my most recent Life Choices for myself. Not sure if I'll lose myself a bit or not in the process. I hope not but there's no guarantee. Going home isn't the pleasant sounding thing most make it out to me. Nope. Going home is re-entering another war zone... naked and unforgiven. 

What a way to end, possibly, the most defining and life-changing year of my life. 

The Love-Con Scammer-Man

I’ve been scammed before for cold, hard, cash. And I lost it to them without thinking. Lesson learned, I thought, until another scam happened my way.

I’d been on online dating for the better part of 2 years and I hated it. Finding guys, meeting them, not/liking them, and then trying to not get physical right away. It sucked. I wanted more. I wanted romance. I wanted love and unconditional companionship. Sweet words of affirmation, confirmation, and mushy love. And this con artist gave it to me. Let’s call him Jack (who knows what his real name is?).

Jack found me on OkCupid and started swearing to the world that I was the one for him. If not me, then he would not marry again. After a bad divorce that ended 6 years prior to meeting me, which he stayed celibate during, he worked hard and made his way out of XiaMen, FuJian, in China to Hong Kong to work for Lippo Securities Ltd. (Yes… apparently, most of them do).

We talked about his hopes and dreams matching with mine, personal preferences, and the moon and stars. We talked about getting married, having a kid, and how his parents and my parents are. We discussed our families, and him being an only child, how happy he would be to have so many more family members all at once just by marrying me. He wanted to elope when my family first questioned him but we talked it down and he agreed to meet me about two months after first contact.

He was the first message I read in the morning when I woke up, and because of the time difference between LA and HK, he was the last message I read at night, before he trained me to sleep at 9 pm, his 12 pm the next day. We talked about my moving over there to live with him, talking through the night, and even sexual needs and preferences. There was a lot going on and yet, that fateful day came when his company suddenly had an opportunity to invest and profit was guaranteed.

I initially said no, because I’d always been told NOT to toy with the stock market, especially since I didn’t know anything about it. But he assured me that he would be my guarantor and watch my back as long as I was able to have the starting capital, the least amount, $5k. So, I borrowed money from people without telling them the truth as to why I needed it, and I added it to my own funds (my savings), so that I could send it to a shell company his company set up under a name of a man I didn’t know. And since it’s a personal account, I can never ask for it back. How convenient, eh?

He urged me to invest more but I don’t just have thousands laying around, nor was I able to ask to borrow from anyone else. Anyways, he eventually gave up when he found I wouldn’t, and after about 3 days, he reported that we’d made more than $600k. … Um… no, that’s not normal. Anyways, it was time to cash out! Which meant, the company would take 30%, half of the 70% was taxed, so the remaining $370k was my profit. And when the company went to go send the money to me, there was an issue with the Internal Tax Revenue Department (YinHuaShui) which demanded I pay 0.05% before I can get the profits. And that amount was $19k.

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE!!

I barely scraped together $5k and now, they needed $19k to get out my profits. And, so I talked to a money guy I knew who told me to consult my CPA. So, I went to EVERY CPA I knew in LA, HK, and Taiwan, and got the same response. Whenever you have to first pay money for money that’s already yours, IT’S A SCAM. And so, that’s when I realize that, as my Uncle advised, if I took my emotional connection out of it, IT’S TOTALLY NOT RIGHT!! To have money transferred before even meeting this guy, and all that, is just wrong! But I ignored the flags and kept searching for answers.

I emailed Lippo Securities and they replied that they didn’t have anyone by his English and Chinese name working for them. My Uncle sent Lippo Securities a document with the Lippo heading on it and Lippo confirmed that the documents were forged (and were sorry for my loss). He kept telling me not to go to my parents or family about this when a man who is not trying to con you would suggest the opposite. He kept urging me to add to the funds because he was embarrassed to have only put in so little when the other guarantors put in so much more. My Uncle wanted his work number so they could chat but Jack kept avoiding it, saying the lines were recorded and he signed a confidentiality agreement, which meant he couldn’t talk about the event. (… forged, too?)  

<><><>

Cue the entrance for the F4 (“Boys Over Flowers” or Kang cousins “Cinderella and the 4 Knights”) to come save my skin. Where is the “City Hunter” or “Black Butler” when I need to be saved and avenged for this terrible crime that has made me, once again, a victim? And you better believe I am so angry and I feel so betrayed right now while writing this. In truth, first came the numb feeling of denial, and then an overwhelming sense of sadness and hurt… now, I’m in full-on American-bitch mode, putting together my materials for my police report. And, since it’s an international crime, I think the FBI, too?

I talked to some friends who I’d been talking with about Jack and most of them said they chose not to say anything about their suspicions because of how happy he made me. To have someone love me, unconditionally, from afar, and continue to pursue me with marriage intentions, it’s everything someone of my age and career wanted. At one point, I was even willing to give up my career for him. … I was willing to have a kid with him.

However, knowing all I did and yet, I let him be the one to break it off with me because I wondered how he would do it. And, as it was, he accused me of letting my family get between us and said we could only be friends. But, if I ever went to HK, he would be willing to meet up. So, for the rest of the night, we were very quiet. The money guy called once more and I turned him down, and then he slipped up. He said he didn’t see Jack at work all day and then mentioned how he looked pale. Interesting what they can see over phones, eh? 

So I checked on Jack, who told me to get away from him.

And then, he unfriended me. That’s it. THAT WAS HIS MASTER PLAN?! GEEZ!!

Why take the submissive approach? Well, he didn’t know I reported him to the authorities and FBI. He didn’t know I found out much earlier on and pretty much WATCHED him play me… as if he was in charge. When I refused to pay the larger amount was when he started getting angry and aggravated. The fool thought he was manipulating me, but, in truth, I got some fun in for myself.

I've had time to clear my mind since it happened. It's been about 3 weeks, and today was supposed to be the 3rd day of his LA-trip. Hehe. For someone who didn't exist, he sure made a ripple on my life... LOL!!

WORST FIRST MEETING/DATE EVER!!! (08.01.16)

I'm new to online dating as a more physically active person, now. So... bear with me on this. 

I’m still getting a sense of when someone is lying and when they’re honestly looking for a connection. I’m not one to judge based on ethnicity and religion, but I know what I want and what I don’t want. I want a man who is confident in himself to carry himself with grace, chivalry, and honesty. I don’t want a perverted excuse of a man who is just looking to hook up under the pretense of looking for something more. Aren’t there enough of those guys in life already? Geez.

So, a guy likes my OkCupid profile and starts chatting with me. We get along because I get along with everyone, and exchange numbers. We start texting and decide to try to meet on the same day. I think it’s fast but he promises no monkey business, just a meeting, nothing more. And I think, “Okay, this guy can’t be so bad.” So, I agree to make the drive out to him because he has work… blah blah blah…

First sign of something not right, HE SHOULD HAVE COME OUT TO ME OR MET ME HALFWAY.

Before meeting him, when I went back to check out his profile, he had deactivated it. And when I asked him why, he said it was because he was talking to me. And… well, as sweet as that could have been, that made me feel like he was hiding something. I felt nervous and anxious but told myself that it was sweet that he was so focused on me, when in reality, I felt irked by this.

Second sign of something not right, I FELT IRKED AND YET, I STILL WENT OUT TO MEET HIM.

Right, so, the drive took over half an hour and he called me to ask where I was. Right? Why was he so fidgety? Shouldn’t he be the confident one? … Bad feelings from his voice, too…

Third sign of something not right, I FELT “UGH” FROM HIS VOICE… SERIOUSLY!! Should have turned around!!

I arrived on time and parked. The guy was halfway down the street and tried to kiss me upon meeting. Physically, I was disappointed, but I thought, maybe he has a sparkling personality. I mean, isn’t that why we stick around if there’s no physical chemistry? Well, he led me into a lovely complex and to a bench by a man-made pond where some ducks and turtles swam. Along the way, he told me the last relationship he had was 8 years long and it had been two years since she ended it with him for a richer man. At that moment, I was actually ticking off my list of annoyances and he was getting a very high score. Geez… but, okay, maybe further conversation could make things better, right?

Fourth sign of something not right, WTF! WHY WOULD YOU KISS SOMEONE YOU JUST MET WHEN TRYING TO SEEK A LTR WITH THEM??

I was so wrong!! We chatted but thirty minutes in, I felt NO chemistry and was actually feeling more and more repulsed as he tried to move closer or chat. I could tell he only had ONE THING on his mind, this coming from a man who had just been telling me how much he longed to be in a long term relationship, and how he was willing to go slow because he wanted to be invested in the relationship part, not just the physical. The last straw was when he kept talking and I felt like being physically sick just to get away from him. I thought I let him down gently by telling him that I don’t feel any chemistry with him. He snapped and got up, saying, “Damn waste of my time,” and walked off.

Fifth sign of something not right, HE LEFT ME THE MOMENT HE FOUND OUT I WOULD NOT PUT OUT. WHAT AN ASS!!

Not knowing my way back to the front gate, I followed, as he repeated, “If we’re not going to hook up, damn waste of my time…” Right? From a guy who was looking long term, not just at the physical, and hoping for something more. So he murmured on how I can get back to the front when I asked and then walked off in the other direction. I walked a bit lost, and had to ask a kind elderly woman for directions. She gave them to me beautifully and simply. When I got into my car, I drove off, shaking my head at how poorly I had judged this guy.

All in all, this was my WORST EXPERIENCE because he was physically, mentally, and psychologically not what he tried to come off as through OkCupid and text. Physically, okay, editing sucks for this reason. Mentally, all he wanted was sex but used the LTR lure to bring me in. And Psychologically, he was quite unsound. He mentioned doing a sport and I think he may have been traumatized by it because he wasn’t all there. Sure, he could have been nervous or shy, but to give off such strong vibes that disgusted and revolted me from the few moments we spent together, I’d never felt so… nauseous.

It’s sad, but, I can see why his former left him. Based on this short encounter, NOTHING would bring me to unblock his number of contact him again. I mean, yes, eventually, I want a LTR with a man who is confident and physically/mentally/psychologically sound and stable… but this man was ALL WRONG for me. Ugh. Even thinking of him now makes my throat want to close up and my stomach want to purge its contents.

Seriously… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN who are on online dating websites… BE CAREFUL!!

Life Struggle (07.26.16)

"Treat others the way you want to be treated." ~~~ Should I, now, start throwing people under the bus? 

I have always struggled with this "golden rule" because everyone else seems to know it but not act accordingly. If my friends mess up, I will cover for them, even at the expense of some acquaintances. But, more often than not, I find that when I mess up, I'm thrown under the bus by the very same people I defend wholeheartedly. 

Most recently, I was told I could partake in a delightful snack that was stowed at my apartment. And partake, I did, for two weeks, the delightful snack saving me from some hot days and tough hours. And when my roommate returned to find it gone, she told her significant other who had originally stowed it our our place, and had invited me to partake. -- The thing is, I know I was wrong to not replace it immediately, but I claim ignorance in thinking that they would be back for it for they never stated such intentions. Proof? ... They left without saying anything. 

But, I had thought, FOR SURE, my roommate, being my friend FIRST, would do what I would have done. If I were her, I would have bought the replacement delight snack and given it to my boyfriend, while giving my roommate (me) the receipt to pay me (my roommate) back. Sure, a bit more work for my roommate, but it would maintain the peace between all nations. Instead, she chose to rat me out and make the situation uncomfortable for 3 people, not just 2. 

How, then, is this "golden rule" beneficial to me? ~~~ The sad truth is that, it is not. 

For as long as I live, I am doomed to be the loyal dog to everyone and I have no one stand up for me. I think for others and care for their well-beings, naturally, even if it requires more work on my part. You may wonder why I didn't replace the delightful snack immediately? ... I couldn't find it at Stater Bros., 7-Eleven, CVS, Rite Aid, and Vons. I planned to venture to Ralphs tomorrow, but she returned with the news before I could head over there. She couldn't even think to warn me, HER ROOMMATE AND FRIEND FOR YEARS, before reporting the incident to her boyfriend of less than one year. 

This is the friend I live with; the person I trust with my life and safety. ~~ As of now, I feel none of those previous sentiments for her. I question what she has told this boyfriend, who is a stranger to me, and how he sees me because of this incident. Not only that, I don't trust him now. What's to stop him from warning my roommate against me and anything else that could be seen negatively? Of all people, I know that: if there's a will; there's a way. If he doesn't think my roommate's stuff is safe here, then one word and she could be moving elsewhere and leaving me high and dry. I don't think she would ever do that, but I don't know for sure... do I? I mean, she's proven that her loyalties lie elsewhere. 

Why, then, do I bother making friends? Am I not alone, then, in this endeavor called 'life'.

...

If anyone has advice, please... send it my way. I'm not suicidal... but I'm not fine either. 

DUMPED... (07.21.16)

This morning, I was dumped for the THIRD time by the SAME GUY!!!

I'm laughing at the irony... One month after our second date and things are over. How strange is that? This 3 month whirlwind of a first experience of an intimate relationship with a man I thought could be the ONE... included 6 meets, over 600 miles, about 50 hours (1/3 of which was in traffic or on the road), and for a man who wasn't even loyal to me... or any one girl for that matter, not even the one he swears he loves. Well... that's over with and now it's just heartbreak and working hard to get over him...

MIND YOU ~~ I actually asked multiple girls how to handle missing him. They said to text him and write emails to let him know he was on my mind. ... So I did that. And in the end... I came off as "overwhelming"... where was the advice to simply ignore him?? 

First guy down... where my future hubby be? I can't help but feel sad... cuz I actually cared... damn it!

IF I DIE YOUNG (The Band Perry)

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow
I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you
when she stands under my colors oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be no
ain't even grey but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life well
I've had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a woman,
But it sure felt nice when she was holdin' my hand
There's a girl here in town, says she'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life well
I've had just enough time

A penny for my thoughts
oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin?
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin...

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down

No... I'm not ending this post like this... ENJOY how I will try to be like now...

DUMPED... (07.21.16)

This morning, I was dumped for the THIRD time by the SAME GUY!!!

I'm laughing at the irony... One month after our second date and things are over. How strange is that? This 3 month whirlwind of a first experience of an intimate relationship with a man I thought could be the ONE... included 6 meets, over 600 miles, about 50 hours (1/3 of which was in traffic or on the road), and for a man who wasn't even loyal to me... or any one girl for that matter, not even the one he swears he loves. Well... that's over with and now it's just heartbreak and working hard to get over him...

MIND YOU ~~ I actually asked multiple girls how to handle missing him. They said to text him and write emails to let him know he was on my mind. ... So I did that. And in the end... I came off as "overwhelming"... where was the advice to simply ignore him?? 

First guy down... where my future hubby be? I can't help but feel sad... cuz I actually cared... damn it!

IF I DIE YOUNG (The Band Perry)

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow
I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you
when she stands under my colors oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be no
ain't even grey but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life well
I've had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a woman,
But it sure felt nice when she was holdin' my hand
There's a girl here in town, says she'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life well
I've had just enough time

A penny for my thoughts
oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin?
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin...

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down

No... I'm not ending this post like this... ENJOY how I will try to be like now...

Sad Love Letter (07.15.16)

Dear X;

I finally realized something important that you never said aloud but showed me through everything you did to me. You gave me my first kiss and made out with me, teaching me to be a good kisser, like yourself. You taught me how to use my body to flirt and how the simplest touch, taste, and scent can arouse the other and from that, gain pleasure. My first everything, you took without hesitation, from my body to my soul, I thought you would make me whole. And then, when we were apart, I was nothing to you... someone you were annoyed with through text and calls, despite being the first to contact me. And so, I came to see, that in truth, I was nothing to you, nothing but a play thing; a hook-up.

I should have first noticed when you wouldn't text back unless I texted something sexy or sexual to pique your interest. And then came the blow off you gave me, a bit more brutal than the "let's just be friends" I had expected. And so, for two months, I toiled to get over my puppy love that dumped me after the first date. And I would have succeeded had you not texted me on my birthday, asking if I was ready to lose my virginity. And though I tried to fight you off, I tried not to be drawn in, you called me and lured me back to your arms, and I gave in, giving more than receiving, leaving with fear and doubt in my mind. And that was just our second date.

Our third date I was ready for, having researched articles and videos to give you the proper blow job your turtleneck deserved, and felt high and happy when you complimented my skill. Of that, I felt more proud, than when I aced my first final in college. How sick am I? And then, you chose to end things again, telling me there was no future. I swallowed all you'd expelled in me, and yet, I still wasn't good enough to be anything to you. So I let things lie, but couldn't get over it. So I asked for one more day of pleasure to be spent in your company... and you agreed.

I'm glad I met another at this time and cancelled on you. Though he was taller, more handsome, more romantic, and more sweet to me, when I met with you again, you repeatedly asked about him to the point I knew you were jealous. And still, I stroke your ego by telling you that I preferred and wanted you more. And you took every last bit of me before you fell into drunkenness and started hitting me, over and over again, like I was your sub and you were my dom. Heart broken, confused, and so afraid, I left you and chatted with another interested party on my drive home. In tears and fear, I was so lost, and I convinced myself that, when you contacted me again, you'd never have done that if you were sober.

So, I returned to you, after a strange bout of sickness, and found you like a drunken baby, unable to function on your own and much less, hurt me. I should have left you be, in your misery, but I took care of you and tried my best to be there for you, as a friend and nothing more. And you took that from me, all my kindness and sweetness, you robbed me of my time, energy, and my anger was forced to subside because you needed me. In that moment, you needed me, and I was there.

But, oh, you were still so cruel to me. You called your girlfriend in front of me, speaking soft nothings and gentle kindness to her. You talked like you had all the time in the world, and I was there to simply help you make it through your life. As if I owed you something, I did as you asked and when you left, I actually convinced myself that you would see how much I cared for you and not see me as nothing anymore. And as I wanted condoms just in case we had a teaching time, you failed to answer the simplest of all questions the lady asked me, "What does he prefer?"

I felt so STUPID answering, "I really don't know."  You said I shouldn't try to get to know you, so I didn't. You said I shouldn't text you that much, but also asked me not to be with anyone else while I was with you. How is it then fair that you sleep with at least 2 other women weekly... when all my devotion and loving attention is supposed to be on you? ... It was simple. The truth was right there. I was an easy score, someone to play with when you were bored with the other women in your life. Someone who could be a future connection, but no one to you, as of now. Just gas because of the 100 miles I drive to and from you, and money that pays for your liquor and other needs as it comes... A servant, maybe.

I wondered how I missed this important, key, fact about our non-relationship and then I found that your passionate kisses stole the words from my lips as your deep eyes drowned me from my thoughts and your carefully constructed lies chained to the depths of your trap, just out of reach clean air.

You always remind me that you never lied to me... and as true as that may be, your body lied to me. Your body told me you wanted me and that I was someone special to you. Your body was powerful and needy, and fulfilled some of my needs, often your needs came first though. And I wanted to believe we had something, so I lied to myself, telling myself that I could mean more to you one day, if I just stuck it out... You were so cunning, I lied to myself so that I could be with you.

How could I mean nothing to you? How do you kiss someone who means nothing to you? How do you touch intimately someone who means nothing to you? Do you know how badly scarred I am having now known intimacy with you? ... And the worst part of it all is that... I still want to be with you. I still want to kiss you and hold onto you. I passed up on others just to be with you.

How sick am I to have fallen in love with you?

The worst part was, after being drunk, you never remembered anything you said to me. You didn't remember asking me to stay with you. You didn't remember telling me how much you enjoyed being with me. You didn't remember how happy you were with me. You didn't remember telling me that you liked me. You didn't remember slapping me. You didn't remember telling me you loved me. You didn't remember I meant something to you. You just didn't remember.

You mean the world to me, and yet; 

I still mean nothing to you.

... 

... What am I going to do? ...

Un-FREAKIN'-believeable

I didn't know this still happened but... if you don't sleep with someone, then they'll dump you before the second date. I didn't know that was still a thing... but, it APPARENTLY is still a thing...

Single and on the shelf again. Sigh.

Second Date (05.23.16)

OMG! HE'S GOING TO DUMP ME!! THAT MUST BE IT!! OMG!! IT'S OVER SO SOON!!

Well, we're going on our second date. It's going to be in a public space because, OMG, pretty much ALL OF MY FRIENDS were FURIOUS that I went on a date without letting them ALL know!! Although the guy didn't take an advantage of me, if chose to, no one would know! So, yup... I requested a movie during the day time, and he said yes, rather reluctantly.

So, in my over-thinking mind, he's either going to dump me or think I'm lame and boring AND THEN break off our this side of the relationship.

Oh, and don't even get me started on what we're doing. ... Apparently, because this is our second date and we're only "seeing" each other, not "dating". So, the guy I want to kiss is "seeing" me but he can be seeing multiple people at the same time. Which means I should, too, right? Except, I have no idea how to do any that!

So, after my first kiss on my first date, I'm going to be dumped on our second date because I'm too boring for him. Yup. That's how things are going... in my mind.

How is your week so far??

Oh, and here's Ed and me at it again!! Yaaaaaay!!

Another Week... Fly By Faster!! (SPOILERS!!)

I called it, didn't I?? Team Captain America I called it and... oooooooooh!! Even without watching it, I was right!! That's right, Chris Evans, I'm on your team! HAHAHA!!

Another episode of the CoTangent is up!! Please check it out if you have the time!!



So... I'm going to put something out there that you might not care much about and you might not want to read about, but I'm still going to put it out there! Ok... deep breath!!

I am a K-Pop fan and I've always been a fan of BigBang, 2PM, 2ne1, Girl's Day, BTS, BAP, and Block B and so on. Recently, of course, iKon! Yes!! But, as much as I like these bands... their fans are quite horrible. And for me, I think of fans to be a reflection of the bands... and yet, it's BigBang fans that are the meanest people out there. I'm not sure why.

So, to share my love of kPop, I gathered some of my non-kPop fan friends to do reaction videos with me. And the first few were alright, and they started to like them. But we started doing requests and since then, everything has changed. I can't control their reactions so, when they react naturally, the RainBridge Youtube channel got a HUGE backlash. And, well, it has just kept getting worse.

So, I've spoke with various people about how to get less of the negative responses, and maybe toning down some of our natural reactions, but no one is willing to tone their reactions down. I know that the RainBridge family is busy right now, so it's okay if we don't do Reaction vids, but I wanted to do them because I wanted to share something I loved with people I loved. ... In the end, my friends are just too ignorant of the Korean culture (... it's not like they have a chance to learn about it here, anyway) and the Korean people that give us negative comments are just too ignorant of the American culture (... not sure if they have a way of learning about it more over there...). So, in the end, it's a lose/lose situation for me.

I recently sat down to chat with the head producers of the channel and they said it was fine just letting go of the project altogether for a while. I mean, it never made money... it was just to gather up, eat together, and then shoot some videos together because we all had time.

Oh, and another thing, I got SERIOUS backlash because I commented about the "Loser" by BigBang video being too plain. ... I mean... COME ON... Given the high production value of their past videos, I felt this one fell short by a long shot of the extravagance and brilliance of BigBang music videos. Where was the symbolism?! Where was that in-depth meanings and metaphors?! Anyhoo, that's not where I take issue. I'm calling BigBang out for their portrayal of what makes a loser. Okay, shooting LA... I'll ignore that implication, but to shoot TaeYang in a RV... that's implying [FOR THOSE OF US WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND KOREAN] that anyone that lives in a RV is a loser... and I'm not down with that. Also, having "American kids" beat up Daesung in a parking lot... WTF? Shoot that crap in Korea, where your fans won't make the connection of LA being such a terrible place. Not to mention... what's with all the White girls breaking their hearts?! ... I feel like Korean boybands have a serious White Girl fantasy fetish that always ends in heartbreak. Snd since they project that, their fans take it in and are affected by it. BLEH!!

Also... When was the last time BigBang did charity work? ... Know what I mean by the cause and effect now?? For example... BEYONCE. Check out the stats on the Queen Bey HERE!! She's at the top of the world because she's an amazing performer and she does SO MUCH charity work!! And MOST of her fans are very nice people who don't bark worse than their bite. I mean, given what she promotes and how she is a good example to young people everywhere, through her music, actions, and decisions in life... SHE is a good example of a GOOD artist to be a fan of. ... Maybe it's a lack of communication or information available in English... but what good things has BigBang done??

So... I'm slowly becoming NOT a fan of BigBang... It's tough and painful because they were such a big part of my life growing up in kPop music... and I helped a friend write some parts of a fanfiction called "It Was All A Dream"... Even though I went to both their LA + OC concerts (Staples Center & Honda Center)... And I bought those little crown wands... I think... I want to be a fan of someone I can look up to and not feel ashamed of due to their discrepancies and the behavior of their fans...

Know what I mean?

***

Dear BigBang... 

Your fans are getting scarier... so are your misbehaviors and style... I hope you guys grow up soon. Until then... take care and I hope you guys learn to do something good for the world!! I've been a fan for over a decade and... I guess, I'm ready to move on. 

Sincerely ~ Tea Chai

Where have all the STRONG MEN gone? (04.18.16)

In some ways, I feel like Christian guys are worse than non-Christian guys in the sense that, Christian guys don’t know how to properly say no to a girl. Whether or not this girl is interested in them in a romantic way is irrelevant. Christian guys simply don’t know how to say “no” properly. This is based off my recent encounter with one on an online dating site/app (which shall remain nameless). I’d been on for a while, as an upgraded member, I want to take an advantage of it, right? So, I’m just chatting regularly with mostly randoms who only last a few weeks in conversation. Once they realize they can’t meet me to hump into the sack, that I require intelligent conversation and a friendship first, they often go their own way and delete my message thread. Yup! Short, simple, and to the point. It’s come to me checking my “sent messages” before I check for new messages. I want to see who looked at me and then deleted my message as opposed to read my note and then deleted my message. It makes a difference. Not too sure how just yet, but I know it does.

Okay, so you’re asking where I’m getting my Christian guys are worse than secular guys argument and here it is! Most non-Christian guys delete right away or after a few moments. That’s just how it is. It’s quick, merciful, and a swift rejection. This clown that I’m chatting with about our common interest is responding minutes after my responses. We’re jiving, chatting, and really getting along. And to be PERFECTLY honest, I only sent a message to him because he wore a Nikon camera in his profile pic! As if you couldn’t tell by my profile and social media, cameras are my THING!! Come on, now. And I know he checked out my profile. In fact, I’m holding my Canon 7D in one of my photos! I can’t be more for-reals jived to see a fellow photog enthusiast like myself on the site! And, well, although he’s DEFINITELY NOT my type of guy, I wanted to make friends and see if we could swap shooting secrets! And as we’re chatting, it’s so fun and he likes to shoot on 35 mm film, so that’s a trip for me! Gosh, I can’t even tell you how great we were jiving, so I asked if we could meet and talk about it in person noting that our meet would NOT be a date.

He didn’t respond within 7 hours… And the app showed that he read it right away. My response is “JUST SAY NO THEN!!!” Why the puck are you making me wait and think the world of things?! Why can’t you be the Christian man you claim to be in your profile and just give a straight answer?! What is the harm in telling me, someone who NEVER expressed interest in anything other than your photog skills, that you don’t want to meet up and chat about more photog stuff? Are you afraid I might react negatively and plead with you? Because I won’t. Weren’t you Bible-based, boy? Why aren’t you referring to the Bible in this case? Do NOT lie! Tell truth!! Come on, just say “NO” and adding a “thanks” is just good manners!

I’m so annoyed with this because, for a Non-C to do this, okay, I get it. Different morals, different upbringing, different culture, of course he will beat around the bush… But for a Christian guy to do the non-Christian guy thing… It’s no wonder they’re so weak… I’ve rarely felt protected around certain male Christian friends and it’s for this reason. No isn’t that simple to them… it carries sadness, hurt, resentment, self-punishment, and the like. So, they give other reasons and such. As for me, I LOATHE guys like that!! It pisses me off because when did Jesus ever say “Well, um, I don’t think that…” Some would argue, he never said “No” but I argue that he straight up told you what TO DO  and what NOT TO DO. There was no “I think you might want to consider selling most or all of your stuff” to the rich man. He told that man to “sell” and “follow”. Right?!

OMG. I’m going to have to respond to the poor conflicted guy who is trying to find a good way to say “No” to me. I just pray that I have the patience to write it before deleting his message thread. And I just hope to God that my future husband will not be so wishy-washy. There’s nothing more frustrating to me, a filmmaker and writer/director, than someone who can’t say “NO” directly. There are far fewer problems and issues if you do the simple thing. Think of all the hassle and trouble you’ll save yourself if you’re direct without adding on weird and unclear excuses.

So, to all the Christian brothers out there who want to say no to something or someone… JUST SAY NO!

***

In the end… I guess it was my fault for thinking I could make a friend or that he’d be more straight with me. I guess, a real flaw of mine is that I think all Christians are straight forward like how I am when it comes to making decisions. Apparently, it seems, I’m still more of a “man” than the men in this religion. It saddens me that many Christian men are still so weak and powerless in the conflicting world we live in. … Sigh. So sad.